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Sunday, 8 February 2004
WhAt A wIcKeD tHiNg To Do
"What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way. What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you..."
So that's it. Now not only is my feeling bad about the man coming home, but I am assured of my negative feelings by him outwardly being a prick. I know why. It's because he kept ahold of me because he had nothing better to do. He's coming back here now where he'll be the height of popularity. Not like he is there. He knows this and now he doesn't need me anymore. He knows how I feel about him and he thinks that I'm gonna cause all this drama for him when he comes home. Whatever, I guess that proves he doesn't know me at all. I told him I get the point. I'm just not into wasting my time. The best I can do is move on and hope that he knows that the same girl he has talked to for the past almost year is the same girl he's gonna find here. I guess I can be that girl all I can, but it won't change the fact that he just doesn't want anything to do with me. He has been leading me on this whole time. He doesn't need me anymore so he's just gonna throw me away. That seems to be the way it always goes. This one that one, stayed around until they didn't need me anymore and then they were gone. Now all on to their great special lives as i sit here in limbo. Stagnating. I feel like I am backed into a corner that I cannot get out of. And I just can't do this much longer. I thought I would have a good day this one day soon, but as it turns out it's just gonna be like any other day. I'm just glad I have oteht things going on. At least I can seem unlike myself. I can look like I have a life and things to do. At least I will have a way to keep my mind off of things. Who knows, maybe an old flame is making another way around here. So HA! I have some tricks up my sleeve yet! I'll show him. Things are the way htey have always been. I guess he doesn't know I know the things I do. I know he doesn't really love me and he never did. He would have found a way to see me before now, he would have shown me that I meant something. After all this time he never has. Does he think I do not realize this? Does he really think me that ignorant? I guess I just wanted to go into this with an open mind and a small intention to see what would happpen if we were ever together again. I guess I won't even get that chance. I guess it's just time to stop sitting here analyzing everything and thinking about things all the time. It is just thought provoking and strange to me to see everything play out in front of me like this. To see the things I thought were one way change in front of me like this. This guy has been the center point of my conversation to no one here for so long. What will I write about now? lol I guess all is not lost. I have had a message from an old friend lately. He wants to hang out with me and I think I know why. I wonder what that's all about? I guess I might as well check it out.
Whenever I type here I always seem to question why. Why do I do this? Why do these things even matter. Is this really what other people do with blogs too? Is this really what this thing is for? This internal banter that constanly goes on in my head? Who cares? Hell I'm not even sure if I care. I guess it's better that no one has seen it. That I have no respones and that my pointless droning has been seen by no one. I think I'm just fine with that;)
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 12:15 AM EST
Friday, 6 February 2004
Well it's over, my parade has been pissed on, my bubble has been burst. He's coming out here, but not to be with me, he's not going to stay with me. I probably won't even see him before Em jumps down his pants. Like it matters anyway. I've spent 9 months loving this guy, being in love with this guy, doing nothing but being the girl I thought every guy would like to try and salvage something of this and to no avail. I don't really think I even want to see him. I'd rather live with my little fantasy I've been nursing for so long. It's just more comforting that way. So I may just avoid the whole situation alltogether. I think it may be in my best interests to do so. All I know is that I can't just sit here and watch this. I can't just sit here and let this happen to me. I just can't sit here and watch it. So is this my fate? My punishment? To watch every guy I've ever loved just go on and be happy without me? When is it my time? When do I have a day in the sun??? I thought maybe, this time but I keep sayin to myself, "Yeah right Lel, you know your life better than this"
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 5:10 PM EST
Tuesday, 3 February 2004
I think it might be for real this time. This guy I have been pining over for the better part of a year says once again that he's coming home. But I think this time he is serious. I have mixed emotions of this because I know he is not realy coming up here to be with me. I have a creeping feeling that I am gonna get this little fantasy I have carried around with me for so long is going to fall apart. I have become attached to this idea of him and his feelings for me. I am in love with him. But I know he is not in love with me. He never will be. And when he gets here I fear that I will lose him. He will find someone better. He'll have girls throwing themselves at him. Why would he choose me when he has prettier, skinnier girls with no kids to choose from? Why in the world would he ever choose me? It's always just too good to be true and I know that. I could bet money they he'll end up with Em. It's so hard because I think that as of late I have been tested a lot about how much I have learned through my lonliness. To see if I can actually act as the peerson I think I should be. I have to say I have done some things I am not proud of and if I have passed these tests it has not been by much. But would passing these tests reap the reward of having this love in my life? But looking back i have not done much good. I have turned a lot around in a couple of days though. I find myself looking outside myself in friendship to my friend who is locked away. Thinking of him in pure friendship, supporting and encouraging him. Trying my hardest to make him think posititvely because I can only imagine what it is like to be him- freedom lost, going through the things he is. It must be maddening. I have also become less afraid of confrontation. I have stuck to my rule that I will only say things about people that I would not say to their faces. I also confronted hostility with an objective mind and confidence. I stuck to my guns and afterward did not gloat or try to make myself seem more than I really was. And in point may have salvaged a friendship of another. I feel as if I have moved in a positive direction. Openeing my mind and observing those around me. I hope I will have a chance to prove my learning with this opportunity to be the the guy I love. I hope if I recieve this gift from life that I will succeed in putting my knowledge to work. I feel that with him I have had strong principles and in that I have been very cool to him. He has also been the same to me. I hope that it all counts for something. But I can't help but feel that it will turn out the way things always do. That there is something about me. Something I don't see. Something that makes my relationships go desperately wrong. And no matter how much I improve the other aspects of myself that thing whatever it is is always there. Turning people off to me. The biggest question in my head for the past nine months of my life has been, will he love me. I may soon find my answer, but I am afraid of what that answer may be.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 10:19 PM EST
Sunday, 1 February 2004
All of a sudden everyone decides to go to Florida. And I'm left here all alone. All of a sudden everyone I have in the world to hang out with is gone. I'm tired. I'm tired of this life. Something has to change. I can't live like this anymore. I have to know some kind of ease. Some kind of happiness. I just can't exist like this. But what am I to do? Risk it all just to go it alone? I try to express this to my friends, but they just do not understand. I can't wait until I know I can just cut myself off from all this. I can't watch people walk the fuck out of my life anymore. Life goes on when I stay here in oeroetual motion, always the same. My life never changing, the struggle on my own always just as hard as the day before. I'm just so tired of it. Just so fucking tired....
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 2:14 AM EST
Thursday, 29 January 2004
Another night the same as all the rest, but days keep on going by and time keeps on passing and still everything turns out exactly the same. Am i wring for being tired of being alone? Am I pathetic becuase I want someone by my side? None of them understand. They are note in the same sitaution as me. last night I thought of when I liked this one guy. He never gets a girl and he got me and I liked him. But I wasn't good enough for him either. But I've seen him fall in love with every other girl who has given him the time of day since then!! What is wrong with me? Why did I used to know real companionship so much just to end up living a life with more lonliness than I could ever imagine? Am I just stupid?? Does anyone outthere understand how i feel? Or am I whining? Am I just being pathetic amd stupid?? Life is so much more than this. There are so many more atrocities in the world thn my life. I know that i have brought this on myself. I like to sit here and think that I have no control over most of my misfortune. Thinking that I am responsible for the very minimal, but it has to be me. I feel selfish for sitting here thinking of my lonliness and how I am without the companionship I seek. It is such a ridiculous thing. As I watch the world go on around me. As I watch it all go on, so much tragedy and death. I have my life. I am healthy at least for the moment. My son is alive and doing well and even though he may hate me for the mess I have made of his life, I look at it this way, I had three choices, I could have killed him, I could have given him away, or the choice I did make. To keep him with me. To bring him up as my son, what he was meant to be. And I hope with that explanation, one day he will understand, and he will love me for it. But anyway, why all this revelation all of a sudden? I scare myself, because I have studied death and suicide. It is something I know very well. And I feel like I have made a mess of my life and the lives of those around me. But I feel right now like I have reached a kind of peace. but it's not a good peace. It's like a grim peace. A surrender. I think about suicide ver single day. I go to bed almost every night with thoughts of shooting myself in the head. I wake up every day with extreme feelings of inadequacy. Barely leaving the house becuase I think it's pointless. I want to lock the door. Lock everyone out. Just become a hermit and stay to myself. I feel like I need to. There's something wrong with me and if I ever want my lonliness to end I need to shut myself offf. Figure out hwat's wrong with me and deal with it. My life is not easy by any means, but I need to figure out if I am justified in my feelings or if it is all in my head. I think I can, for a couple of days now leave it alone. Lock myself away and leave it alone. I can write, read, work on some photography. Just forget it all and let it all go away. After what I've done I should just go away. I have been a bad friend tonite, but I feel only as bad of a friend as other s have been to me. I guess right now I just wish I didn't live here, so close to everybody.
It's funny about a BLOG. The idea is to share your journal online for the whole world to see. Such a self centered idea, to think that the whole world would want to know your innnermost thoughts. So presumptuous that everyone would be interested. But I have had not one response to mine. Just as it is in real life. I wrote a poem that is on the wonderland press. The invisible girl. That is who I am. If I were gone would anyone even listen? Would anyone even know?
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 2:29 AM EST
Sunday, 4 January 2004
Sometimes I look back on my days and Ifeel dumb. LIke I've spoken too much, too loudly. I've been too stuipid, too ugly, too wrong. I thought about earlier how it doesn't really matter. I have been alone for so long and gotten so used to being alone that it realy doesn't matter to me at all what other people think. I have such little hope that someone will ever take the time to be my companion that I really don't pay attention to what others think of me besides pure observation. Although I do know that many a person has many a bad thing to think aboutme today. But once again I complain because I am tired of feeling this way. So disjointed, so detached. Watching him fall in love with my good friend. Doing all the things with her that I always wished he did with me. I remember clearly the new years eve we spent together. As the clock struck midnite all I wanted was a kiss from "my man" I thought it was important. I wanted him for just one minute to make me feel like I meant something to him. But that minute came and went and he ignored me. He acted like I wasnt; even there. And then this new years I watched him give that ever so important new year's kiss to none other than her. The one I thought was a friend but fouind out is only an aquaintance. Right now I just feel so alone and lost and scared. And once again all I can think is that if it weren't ffor my son I would not wake up tomarrow.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 5:57 PM EST
Saturday, 3 January 2004
WhY?
I look back to the things I have written and it all seems so ridiculous. No wonder no one wants to listen to me when I talk, if these are the things I say. It all seems so pointless. Everyone is out there doing stuff and here I am by myself. It always ends up just the same. All they'll do is talk about me anyway. Misconstrew the things I say and do. None of it really matters because I always end up the same, alone, anyways. No one really understands what it's like to be me. I do it all. I do the work, I make the money, I clean the house, I raise the child. I do it all and people still want to talk shit about me. People still want to treat me like I'm nothing and disrespect me. So what's the point then? What's the point in even caring? As my new resolutions I want to care less and talk less. I don't know. I guess I don't have much else to lose at this point!
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 4:34 PM EST
Wednesday, 10 December 2003
ThEy PuT mE iN mY pLaCe...AgAiN
I have been sitting here by myself for so long. I ended up goin back down there. I didn't want to do it, but I did. I needed to go somewhere, I needed to do something! So I went, and everything was ok, until he showed up. Once he showed up it was all over. I silently excused myself and left and no one even took notice. No one cared. So here I am now, all by myself. Finding out once again where I stand with this house. Why did I even bother? What was the point? Was the pain getting too dull for me? Did I have to refresh my memory of how I am meaningless? Did I feel myself finally coming out of my depression only to knowingly put myself back in it? I guess so because all I know at this moment is that I mean nothing to the people I have seen every day of my life since May. They don't like me and they don;t give a shit about me. Does anyone really? I know my son does, and the people I have never seen. But what kind of life is it to go through knowing that the people you care so much about don't give a shit about you? I'm tired of being alone. I;m tired of having all my htoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my revelations only to share with myself. I'm tired of having lonely conversations with my own head. What happened to the companionship I used to know? I know I am not perfect, but must I pay for my errs with everyting ever day of my life? I have heard of murderers who have better karma that I!! Why do I have t ospend another night so alone? Oh well, I'll do the same thing O always do, I'll just drink my beer and shut up. I don't know why, but this is my life and that's just all.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:07 PM EST
Saturday, 6 December 2003
It'S aLl PaRt Of BeInG aN o'ReILy
So here I am at 6 am with no sleep. I have had enough trouble trying to sleep, but an O'Reilly came to my door at 5. And I have that skull and crossbones on my door so that means that all O'Reilly's are welcome here any time of the day and night. So at 5 am Budman came up my stairs. He's depressed. Somethings going on but he didn't want to talk. He wanted to take it out in all the wrong ways, with me. But I refused. But I realized tonite how powerful alcohol can be. I quit drinking. I have had trouble. I don't sleep, but I haven't craved alcahol too much. But Budman handed me a beer. He handed me that beer and now I want more so bad I can't even stand it. They played Alice in Wonderland at 4 on FOX. I forgot how much I love that story. Watching the movie made me smile. But for some reason I kept thinking of Britt. Thinking of how we watched it once when we were first together. We took ephidrine and watched it and it was so trippy. There was a party around us but we just went on our own, he put the movie in because he knew it is my favorite story ever. We just cuddled and watched it. I miss having someone like that in my life. I know it could never again be him and that I wouldn't want it to be him, but I miss having that person in my life who can sit and enjoy my favorite thing with me. Something I think I will never have again. Everytime I had it I threw it away, and now there's just no one left. Just me. I watch my favorite movies by myself. I share my conversations with myself and my son, but he's too young to understand me. Everyone else is too old and jaded to understand me. I feel so alone. I feel that I will be alone forever. Is this what life is? A random O'Reilly comes over, drunk and wants some ass. Is that who I am? Just the girl they come to when every other option is exhausted? I don't know. I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have to deal with my parents tomarrow. I wanted to write but my mind draws a blank. So much in my head but no words to express it.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 6:23 AM EST
Monday, 10 November 2003
For every good day there are 3 bad ones. At least 3. I found my place in this house last night and that's no place at all. Ya ever have that person in your group of friends, the one that doesn't belong? The one that no one really likes? Well that person is me. I asked for a beer 3 times and got completely ignored. I asked three times just to have everyone around me get a beer and I was just left out. The girl who was my friend won't speak to me becuase she's too busy liking the father of my kid. The one who ignores us completely. So fuck this shit. I don't exist to these people so I am done. I will no longer go there to hang out. I will no longer act like these people are my friends. They are now only my neighbors. Just like any other neighbors I've ever had. I don't know these people anymore and they don't know me. They have shown me that I don't exist to them so they no longer exist to me. I'm done with this shit. I don't mean anything to anyone and I will now fade into the darkness and sit where I belong. By myself, alone. I always knew that people existed who are alone. People who will grow old and die with no one even knowing they are here or gone. People who are so alone that no one even attends their celebrations, their funeral, just alone. I guess I just never thought that person would be me. I never thought of myself as one of those people. I never thought I would end up going through my adult life meaning nothing to anyone. No one knowing I exist, no one caring. I wanted to go out tonite. I wanted to take someone to dinner but I have no one to go out with. I have no one that would be there as a friend. Just people who would want some free food. So i asked Dan, but he won't talk to me anymore now. I'm not good enough for him either. I'm not good enough for anyone. I will be alone forever. If I'm lucky my son will be my salvation. He will be my companion, my friend. But he may also grow up to hate me. He may grow up to hate me becuase he'll never know what it's like to have a father. He may resent me, blame me for missing out on this vital part of a boys life. I keep having this vision of being a little old lady. Maybe with 50 cats or so. Maybe just alone. I will start and end my day without a soul to talk to. Without a being to befriend me. Maybe I'll get a half hour or so from the meals on wheels person or someone else who pities me for my lonliness. If it weren't for my son I would be checking out of this life. I would throw in the towel and end this misery. Death is preferable to this perpetual state of lonliness. I would might as well not be alive, it's not like anyone would notice. Do they know what it's like to be this alone? Not to just feel alone, but to be alone. To have pain and cry, but to cry alone. To have no one to talk to but an empty compluter screen. Do any of them have a clue what it's like to be as alone as I am? There's no way. They all have companionship. They have no idea what life is like for somone like me.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:06 AM EST
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