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Tuesday, 3 February 2004
I think it might be for real this time. This guy I have been pining over for the better part of a year says once again that he's coming home. But I think this time he is serious. I have mixed emotions of this because I know he is not realy coming up here to be with me. I have a creeping feeling that I am gonna get this little fantasy I have carried around with me for so long is going to fall apart. I have become attached to this idea of him and his feelings for me. I am in love with him. But I know he is not in love with me. He never will be. And when he gets here I fear that I will lose him. He will find someone better. He'll have girls throwing themselves at him. Why would he choose me when he has prettier, skinnier girls with no kids to choose from? Why in the world would he ever choose me? It's always just too good to be true and I know that. I could bet money they he'll end up with Em. It's so hard because I think that as of late I have been tested a lot about how much I have learned through my lonliness. To see if I can actually act as the peerson I think I should be. I have to say I have done some things I am not proud of and if I have passed these tests it has not been by much. But would passing these tests reap the reward of having this love in my life? But looking back i have not done much good. I have turned a lot around in a couple of days though. I find myself looking outside myself in friendship to my friend who is locked away. Thinking of him in pure friendship, supporting and encouraging him. Trying my hardest to make him think posititvely because I can only imagine what it is like to be him- freedom lost, going through the things he is. It must be maddening. I have also become less afraid of confrontation. I have stuck to my rule that I will only say things about people that I would not say to their faces. I also confronted hostility with an objective mind and confidence. I stuck to my guns and afterward did not gloat or try to make myself seem more than I really was. And in point may have salvaged a friendship of another. I feel as if I have moved in a positive direction. Openeing my mind and observing those around me. I hope I will have a chance to prove my learning with this opportunity to be the the guy I love. I hope if I recieve this gift from life that I will succeed in putting my knowledge to work. I feel that with him I have had strong principles and in that I have been very cool to him. He has also been the same to me. I hope that it all counts for something. But I can't help but feel that it will turn out the way things always do. That there is something about me. Something I don't see. Something that makes my relationships go desperately wrong. And no matter how much I improve the other aspects of myself that thing whatever it is is always there. Turning people off to me. The biggest question in my head for the past nine months of my life has been, will he love me. I may soon find my answer, but I am afraid of what that answer may be.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 10:19 PM EST
Sunday, 1 February 2004
All of a sudden everyone decides to go to Florida. And I'm left here all alone. All of a sudden everyone I have in the world to hang out with is gone. I'm tired. I'm tired of this life. Something has to change. I can't live like this anymore. I have to know some kind of ease. Some kind of happiness. I just can't exist like this. But what am I to do? Risk it all just to go it alone? I try to express this to my friends, but they just do not understand. I can't wait until I know I can just cut myself off from all this. I can't watch people walk the fuck out of my life anymore. Life goes on when I stay here in oeroetual motion, always the same. My life never changing, the struggle on my own always just as hard as the day before. I'm just so tired of it. Just so fucking tired....
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 2:14 AM EST
Thursday, 29 January 2004
Another night the same as all the rest, but days keep on going by and time keeps on passing and still everything turns out exactly the same. Am i wring for being tired of being alone? Am I pathetic becuase I want someone by my side? None of them understand. They are note in the same sitaution as me. last night I thought of when I liked this one guy. He never gets a girl and he got me and I liked him. But I wasn't good enough for him either. But I've seen him fall in love with every other girl who has given him the time of day since then!! What is wrong with me? Why did I used to know real companionship so much just to end up living a life with more lonliness than I could ever imagine? Am I just stupid?? Does anyone outthere understand how i feel? Or am I whining? Am I just being pathetic amd stupid?? Life is so much more than this. There are so many more atrocities in the world thn my life. I know that i have brought this on myself. I like to sit here and think that I have no control over most of my misfortune. Thinking that I am responsible for the very minimal, but it has to be me. I feel selfish for sitting here thinking of my lonliness and how I am without the companionship I seek. It is such a ridiculous thing. As I watch the world go on around me. As I watch it all go on, so much tragedy and death. I have my life. I am healthy at least for the moment. My son is alive and doing well and even though he may hate me for the mess I have made of his life, I look at it this way, I had three choices, I could have killed him, I could have given him away, or the choice I did make. To keep him with me. To bring him up as my son, what he was meant to be. And I hope with that explanation, one day he will understand, and he will love me for it. But anyway, why all this revelation all of a sudden? I scare myself, because I have studied death and suicide. It is something I know very well. And I feel like I have made a mess of my life and the lives of those around me. But I feel right now like I have reached a kind of peace. but it's not a good peace. It's like a grim peace. A surrender. I think about suicide ver single day. I go to bed almost every night with thoughts of shooting myself in the head. I wake up every day with extreme feelings of inadequacy. Barely leaving the house becuase I think it's pointless. I want to lock the door. Lock everyone out. Just become a hermit and stay to myself. I feel like I need to. There's something wrong with me and if I ever want my lonliness to end I need to shut myself offf. Figure out hwat's wrong with me and deal with it. My life is not easy by any means, but I need to figure out if I am justified in my feelings or if it is all in my head. I think I can, for a couple of days now leave it alone. Lock myself away and leave it alone. I can write, read, work on some photography. Just forget it all and let it all go away. After what I've done I should just go away. I have been a bad friend tonite, but I feel only as bad of a friend as other s have been to me. I guess right now I just wish I didn't live here, so close to everybody.
It's funny about a BLOG. The idea is to share your journal online for the whole world to see. Such a self centered idea, to think that the whole world would want to know your innnermost thoughts. So presumptuous that everyone would be interested. But I have had not one response to mine. Just as it is in real life. I wrote a poem that is on the wonderland press. The invisible girl. That is who I am. If I were gone would anyone even listen? Would anyone even know?
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 2:29 AM EST
Sunday, 4 January 2004
Sometimes I look back on my days and Ifeel dumb. LIke I've spoken too much, too loudly. I've been too stuipid, too ugly, too wrong. I thought about earlier how it doesn't really matter. I have been alone for so long and gotten so used to being alone that it realy doesn't matter to me at all what other people think. I have such little hope that someone will ever take the time to be my companion that I really don't pay attention to what others think of me besides pure observation. Although I do know that many a person has many a bad thing to think aboutme today. But once again I complain because I am tired of feeling this way. So disjointed, so detached. Watching him fall in love with my good friend. Doing all the things with her that I always wished he did with me. I remember clearly the new years eve we spent together. As the clock struck midnite all I wanted was a kiss from "my man" I thought it was important. I wanted him for just one minute to make me feel like I meant something to him. But that minute came and went and he ignored me. He acted like I wasnt; even there. And then this new years I watched him give that ever so important new year's kiss to none other than her. The one I thought was a friend but fouind out is only an aquaintance. Right now I just feel so alone and lost and scared. And once again all I can think is that if it weren't ffor my son I would not wake up tomarrow.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 5:57 PM EST
Saturday, 3 January 2004
WhY?
I look back to the things I have written and it all seems so ridiculous. No wonder no one wants to listen to me when I talk, if these are the things I say. It all seems so pointless. Everyone is out there doing stuff and here I am by myself. It always ends up just the same. All they'll do is talk about me anyway. Misconstrew the things I say and do. None of it really matters because I always end up the same, alone, anyways. No one really understands what it's like to be me. I do it all. I do the work, I make the money, I clean the house, I raise the child. I do it all and people still want to talk shit about me. People still want to treat me like I'm nothing and disrespect me. So what's the point then? What's the point in even caring? As my new resolutions I want to care less and talk less. I don't know. I guess I don't have much else to lose at this point!
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 4:34 PM EST
Wednesday, 10 December 2003
ThEy PuT mE iN mY pLaCe...AgAiN
I have been sitting here by myself for so long. I ended up goin back down there. I didn't want to do it, but I did. I needed to go somewhere, I needed to do something! So I went, and everything was ok, until he showed up. Once he showed up it was all over. I silently excused myself and left and no one even took notice. No one cared. So here I am now, all by myself. Finding out once again where I stand with this house. Why did I even bother? What was the point? Was the pain getting too dull for me? Did I have to refresh my memory of how I am meaningless? Did I feel myself finally coming out of my depression only to knowingly put myself back in it? I guess so because all I know at this moment is that I mean nothing to the people I have seen every day of my life since May. They don't like me and they don;t give a shit about me. Does anyone really? I know my son does, and the people I have never seen. But what kind of life is it to go through knowing that the people you care so much about don't give a shit about you? I'm tired of being alone. I;m tired of having all my htoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my revelations only to share with myself. I'm tired of having lonely conversations with my own head. What happened to the companionship I used to know? I know I am not perfect, but must I pay for my errs with everyting ever day of my life? I have heard of murderers who have better karma that I!! Why do I have t ospend another night so alone? Oh well, I'll do the same thing O always do, I'll just drink my beer and shut up. I don't know why, but this is my life and that's just all.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:07 PM EST
Saturday, 6 December 2003
It'S aLl PaRt Of BeInG aN o'ReILy
So here I am at 6 am with no sleep. I have had enough trouble trying to sleep, but an O'Reilly came to my door at 5. And I have that skull and crossbones on my door so that means that all O'Reilly's are welcome here any time of the day and night. So at 5 am Budman came up my stairs. He's depressed. Somethings going on but he didn't want to talk. He wanted to take it out in all the wrong ways, with me. But I refused. But I realized tonite how powerful alcohol can be. I quit drinking. I have had trouble. I don't sleep, but I haven't craved alcahol too much. But Budman handed me a beer. He handed me that beer and now I want more so bad I can't even stand it. They played Alice in Wonderland at 4 on FOX. I forgot how much I love that story. Watching the movie made me smile. But for some reason I kept thinking of Britt. Thinking of how we watched it once when we were first together. We took ephidrine and watched it and it was so trippy. There was a party around us but we just went on our own, he put the movie in because he knew it is my favorite story ever. We just cuddled and watched it. I miss having someone like that in my life. I know it could never again be him and that I wouldn't want it to be him, but I miss having that person in my life who can sit and enjoy my favorite thing with me. Something I think I will never have again. Everytime I had it I threw it away, and now there's just no one left. Just me. I watch my favorite movies by myself. I share my conversations with myself and my son, but he's too young to understand me. Everyone else is too old and jaded to understand me. I feel so alone. I feel that I will be alone forever. Is this what life is? A random O'Reilly comes over, drunk and wants some ass. Is that who I am? Just the girl they come to when every other option is exhausted? I don't know. I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have to deal with my parents tomarrow. I wanted to write but my mind draws a blank. So much in my head but no words to express it.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 6:23 AM EST
Monday, 10 November 2003
For every good day there are 3 bad ones. At least 3. I found my place in this house last night and that's no place at all. Ya ever have that person in your group of friends, the one that doesn't belong? The one that no one really likes? Well that person is me. I asked for a beer 3 times and got completely ignored. I asked three times just to have everyone around me get a beer and I was just left out. The girl who was my friend won't speak to me becuase she's too busy liking the father of my kid. The one who ignores us completely. So fuck this shit. I don't exist to these people so I am done. I will no longer go there to hang out. I will no longer act like these people are my friends. They are now only my neighbors. Just like any other neighbors I've ever had. I don't know these people anymore and they don't know me. They have shown me that I don't exist to them so they no longer exist to me. I'm done with this shit. I don't mean anything to anyone and I will now fade into the darkness and sit where I belong. By myself, alone. I always knew that people existed who are alone. People who will grow old and die with no one even knowing they are here or gone. People who are so alone that no one even attends their celebrations, their funeral, just alone. I guess I just never thought that person would be me. I never thought of myself as one of those people. I never thought I would end up going through my adult life meaning nothing to anyone. No one knowing I exist, no one caring. I wanted to go out tonite. I wanted to take someone to dinner but I have no one to go out with. I have no one that would be there as a friend. Just people who would want some free food. So i asked Dan, but he won't talk to me anymore now. I'm not good enough for him either. I'm not good enough for anyone. I will be alone forever. If I'm lucky my son will be my salvation. He will be my companion, my friend. But he may also grow up to hate me. He may grow up to hate me becuase he'll never know what it's like to have a father. He may resent me, blame me for missing out on this vital part of a boys life. I keep having this vision of being a little old lady. Maybe with 50 cats or so. Maybe just alone. I will start and end my day without a soul to talk to. Without a being to befriend me. Maybe I'll get a half hour or so from the meals on wheels person or someone else who pities me for my lonliness. If it weren't for my son I would be checking out of this life. I would throw in the towel and end this misery. Death is preferable to this perpetual state of lonliness. I would might as well not be alive, it's not like anyone would notice. Do they know what it's like to be this alone? Not to just feel alone, but to be alone. To have pain and cry, but to cry alone. To have no one to talk to but an empty compluter screen. Do any of them have a clue what it's like to be as alone as I am? There's no way. They all have companionship. They have no idea what life is like for somone like me.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:06 AM EST
Friday, 7 November 2003
I should be getting ready to sleep right now, but I wanted to write. It's so easy, in logs like this to speak pnly of the bad things. Even as poets we are more prone to write about our pain than out pleasures. Tonite was a good night. We sat around with our meager resources. We talked of educated subjects. We shared our thoughts. I just thought I should preserve the moment to look back upon when I think "everything good is gone, and everything bad is here..." I wanted to write more, but my computer was being used and now there;s nothing left but the facts. It was a good night.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 4:24 AM EST
Monday, 3 November 2003
WhAt ThE fUcK dO i Do NoW?
I have to get the fuck out of here. I can't deal anymore. I can't deal with these people anymore. I walked down and saw friend number one making out with baby's daddy number one. Well, the only one. The one who has denied us. Ugh, touche'. BUt it's different this time. And she would see it differently too. If the situation were turned as it has been but happened on her turf it would be a different story. She might have not confronted me on it, but I would have known. I would have known it bothered her. When the tables were turned I didn't want to be her friend becuase I knew how I would feel in the same situation.
I tried to be as clear as possible, but my point went unheard. It's funny, and I realize that it happens to me repeatedly. People are too fucking busy nursing the expected reaction that they don't listen to what I am fucking saying!! They have their heads too far up they goddamn asses to hear me. I don't care what the fuck she does with him, but he's the one with the problem. It's either him or me. If he hangs out down there and nothing is resolved then I will no longer hang out there at all. The house will be irrepairably divided. I know I can expect nothing as a friend from her. I have no friends, I have only aquaintances. Here at least. Probably everywhere really. My life has reached a new lonliness. I must withdraw from all and try to create a better existence. And I just can't help but think, would she have done this to Susie? No way. Therefore she is not my friend, only another aquaintance. I treat all my friends the same and if someone I have gotten to know so well after such a long point in time can't treat me as they would their best friends they are not my friend. I'll get no sleep tonite for sure!
She got mad at me for wanting to talk to her immediately. But what could I do? What would she have done?
I must withdraw. Get my vital belongings and disappear. I have wanted to disappear for a long time and that's just what I want to do now more than ever. I would move if I could. I think I will, if I can. I should look into it.
I am so insignificant. I went to a Halloween party. I ran into this girl I have seen so many times I can't even count them. I'm not interested in being her friend especially or anything but I have introduced myself to her so many times that she should at least remember who the fuck I am. But once again I called her by name and said hello. Ya know what her response was? A curt "And you are?" And to make the matter even more ephasized, when I told her my name she had absolutely no recollection of me. I really am truly insignificant. I truly don't matter to almost anyone.
I feel the need to withdraw. From even those who may care about me for the sake of my son. Of course I mean no insult to them but I feel it is more than past my time to go on my own. To forge my own way and leave this madness, this sadness, this pain behind. But how? I need a clean start and I'm just not gonna find it here. My outlets are far gone now. My places where I could have gone to hide vanished in my hesitance. And I can't help but wonder what I hestiated for? Why did I not leave? For this? FOR THIS SHIT!!!
I came down there because I was in shock. I needed a friend. I neede to take my mind off the earthquake that came along in my head after the news about my friend. Another aquaintance really, someone I barely know but one of those people that there was always something about. Something that made me take a second glance, that made me interested. Something that made him special. But life never let me get to know him any better. But I know he thinks of me once in a while somehow. I guess as I sought satisfaction in the newest occurances in my life as far as this house goes I neglected to realize why I reacted as I did. Because I found the incidence when I really needed the comfort zone which had all of a sudden become a completely uncomfortable zone.
The war is over but the death toll of US soldiers in Iraq goes up every day. My friend was almost killed. All the people around him were killed. Only him and one other person survived. I was avoiding the house all day out my embarassment for my two day bender that left me completely socially retarded and feeling rather shameful about myself. They all know I do this, I have explained it in detail my feelings after I go on a bender, my embarassment and desire to isolate myself. It's just part of who I am. There's nothing anyone can do about it. But when my friends brother, who is also my friend, well aquaintace, well whatever, told me about what had happened, he sent me the letter in Mike's words, I decided I had to go downstairs. I had to be among people I could talk to about it. MAybe get my mind off it for a while. But I walked into something completely different. That's why I shook. That's why I had to smash the pumpkins. Because someone I really care about is living their own version of some war movie and someone else I care about was making out with someone else I care about. It was too much for my fragile consciousness to handle. I had to do something.
I'm gonna send this to her I think. I'm much better in writing than I am in speaking when things like this happen. I think I won't speak. There's so much more to this than I got to explain when I spoke. It all gets jumbled when I speak. It all piles up in my brain and I reprisent myself differently. Yeah some of this may not be liked by those who may read it, but if anyone has ever done any journal writing they know that it is a stream of consciousness. It ranges in mood and emotion. Some things are permanent feelings and some dissipate after the words are released from the brain. And at this point I don't really care how I am taken. I know how I feel, and the words I have to say. The rest is irrelevant. I don't really have much to lose at this point. Lose another friend? HAHAHA!! I've lost every one I've ever had and I will lose every one I ever will have. That's just part of being Lel. But then again, Lel's don't really have friends, they have aquaintences.
Someone stole my money and now I have nothing but water to give my son to drink and I'm not sure if I will be able feed him as long as I have to go with no help. All other resources are exausted, but do you think any of my "friends" will lend me money evern though they know I will be coming into a lot of it very soon? Will any of them share their resources with me? I think not. I think J came in and stole the money. On Halloween I thought I heard someone upstairs. I thought it was a dog, but later came to the realization that the only dog in the house was sitting next to me the whole time. My dog was only in one place. He couldn't have made that much noise. I didn't go to check and now the money I had stashed away specifically to feed my son is gone. He knew where I kept my money and I never bothered to change the location. My door was unlocked since I was just downstairs. And now what am I to do? What "friend" will help me? They all just look at me and say "That Sucks"
I guess it's some kind of karmic payback. She's pissed at me because I'm pissed and I shouldn't be because of what I have done. I never realized it bothered her so much. She always played it off like she was happy about it, because I wasn't "just some dumb bitch".
She didn't understand. I didn't expect her to give me a heads up over her making out with him, but he hung out there all day. She knows how things are between me and him. She should have at least some up and told me "Hey, he's hanging out" If things were that way between she and her baby's daddy I would have at least warned her not to come to my house even if I was as brazen to play the "Well it's my house and I don't have to consider my neighbors feeings when I do something." I would not have been happy about it, as she would not have been if the tables were turned. But if I knoew she could have walked in and seen it at any point in time I would have done whatever I could to prevent her from seeing it in the house. Outside the house is different. At a party, at a bar, whatever. I can just ignore it and go on with my time. But in the place I hang out almost every day. In the place I go for solace!!
But none of this matters now. After tonite it will be gone from my head, and if it hasn't gone at least let me find new motivation to get the fuck out of here. I will no longer be a part of this house as a whole. I have realized now, a little more, my place among my friends, my place in this house, my place among society, and my place in life. And with this realization my despair grows.
"What do you think they would say, if I just STOOD up and I walked away! No one here really understands me, So I'm flyin..."
I must withdraw. I must escape this sadness, this pain. Tonite has draw the line. I know where I stand with the people around me, and I must stand in the place where i belong.
I must withdraw and create a better existence for my own sanity.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 3:24 AM EST
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