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Tuesday, 3 February 2004
I think it might be for real this time. This guy I have been pining over for the better part of a year says once again that he's coming home. But I think this time he is serious. I have mixed emotions of this because I know he is not realy coming up here to be with me. I have a creeping feeling that I am gonna get this little fantasy I have carried around with me for so long is going to fall apart. I have become attached to this idea of him and his feelings for me. I am in love with him. But I know he is not in love with me. He never will be. And when he gets here I fear that I will lose him. He will find someone better. He'll have girls throwing themselves at him. Why would he choose me when he has prettier, skinnier girls with no kids to choose from? Why in the world would he ever choose me? It's always just too good to be true and I know that. I could bet money they he'll end up with Em. It's so hard because I think that as of late I have been tested a lot about how much I have learned through my lonliness. To see if I can actually act as the peerson I think I should be. I have to say I have done some things I am not proud of and if I have passed these tests it has not been by much. But would passing these tests reap the reward of having this love in my life? But looking back i have not done much good. I have turned a lot around in a couple of days though. I find myself looking outside myself in friendship to my friend who is locked away. Thinking of him in pure friendship, supporting and encouraging him. Trying my hardest to make him think posititvely because I can only imagine what it is like to be him- freedom lost, going through the things he is. It must be maddening. I have also become less afraid of confrontation. I have stuck to my rule that I will only say things about people that I would not say to their faces. I also confronted hostility with an objective mind and confidence. I stuck to my guns and afterward did not gloat or try to make myself seem more than I really was. And in point may have salvaged a friendship of another. I feel as if I have moved in a positive direction. Openeing my mind and observing those around me. I hope I will have a chance to prove my learning with this opportunity to be the the guy I love. I hope if I recieve this gift from life that I will succeed in putting my knowledge to work. I feel that with him I have had strong principles and in that I have been very cool to him. He has also been the same to me. I hope that it all counts for something. But I can't help but feel that it will turn out the way things always do. That there is something about me. Something I don't see. Something that makes my relationships go desperately wrong. And no matter how much I improve the other aspects of myself that thing whatever it is is always there. Turning people off to me. The biggest question in my head for the past nine months of my life has been, will he love me. I may soon find my answer, but I am afraid of what that answer may be.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 10:19 PM EST
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