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Wednesday, 10 December 2003
ThEy PuT mE iN mY pLaCe...AgAiN
I have been sitting here by myself for so long. I ended up goin back down there. I didn't want to do it, but I did. I needed to go somewhere, I needed to do something! So I went, and everything was ok, until he showed up. Once he showed up it was all over. I silently excused myself and left and no one even took notice. No one cared. So here I am now, all by myself. Finding out once again where I stand with this house. Why did I even bother? What was the point? Was the pain getting too dull for me? Did I have to refresh my memory of how I am meaningless? Did I feel myself finally coming out of my depression only to knowingly put myself back in it? I guess so because all I know at this moment is that I mean nothing to the people I have seen every day of my life since May. They don't like me and they don;t give a shit about me. Does anyone really? I know my son does, and the people I have never seen. But what kind of life is it to go through knowing that the people you care so much about don't give a shit about you? I'm tired of being alone. I;m tired of having all my htoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my revelations only to share with myself. I'm tired of having lonely conversations with my own head. What happened to the companionship I used to know? I know I am not perfect, but must I pay for my errs with everyting ever day of my life? I have heard of murderers who have better karma that I!! Why do I have t ospend another night so alone? Oh well, I'll do the same thing O always do, I'll just drink my beer and shut up. I don't know why, but this is my life and that's just all.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:07 PM EST
Saturday, 6 December 2003
It'S aLl PaRt Of BeInG aN o'ReILy
So here I am at 6 am with no sleep. I have had enough trouble trying to sleep, but an O'Reilly came to my door at 5. And I have that skull and crossbones on my door so that means that all O'Reilly's are welcome here any time of the day and night. So at 5 am Budman came up my stairs. He's depressed. Somethings going on but he didn't want to talk. He wanted to take it out in all the wrong ways, with me. But I refused. But I realized tonite how powerful alcohol can be. I quit drinking. I have had trouble. I don't sleep, but I haven't craved alcahol too much. But Budman handed me a beer. He handed me that beer and now I want more so bad I can't even stand it. They played Alice in Wonderland at 4 on FOX. I forgot how much I love that story. Watching the movie made me smile. But for some reason I kept thinking of Britt. Thinking of how we watched it once when we were first together. We took ephidrine and watched it and it was so trippy. There was a party around us but we just went on our own, he put the movie in because he knew it is my favorite story ever. We just cuddled and watched it. I miss having someone like that in my life. I know it could never again be him and that I wouldn't want it to be him, but I miss having that person in my life who can sit and enjoy my favorite thing with me. Something I think I will never have again. Everytime I had it I threw it away, and now there's just no one left. Just me. I watch my favorite movies by myself. I share my conversations with myself and my son, but he's too young to understand me. Everyone else is too old and jaded to understand me. I feel so alone. I feel that I will be alone forever. Is this what life is? A random O'Reilly comes over, drunk and wants some ass. Is that who I am? Just the girl they come to when every other option is exhausted? I don't know. I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have to deal with my parents tomarrow. I wanted to write but my mind draws a blank. So much in my head but no words to express it.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 6:23 AM EST
Monday, 10 November 2003
For every good day there are 3 bad ones. At least 3. I found my place in this house last night and that's no place at all. Ya ever have that person in your group of friends, the one that doesn't belong? The one that no one really likes? Well that person is me. I asked for a beer 3 times and got completely ignored. I asked three times just to have everyone around me get a beer and I was just left out. The girl who was my friend won't speak to me becuase she's too busy liking the father of my kid. The one who ignores us completely. So fuck this shit. I don't exist to these people so I am done. I will no longer go there to hang out. I will no longer act like these people are my friends. They are now only my neighbors. Just like any other neighbors I've ever had. I don't know these people anymore and they don't know me. They have shown me that I don't exist to them so they no longer exist to me. I'm done with this shit. I don't mean anything to anyone and I will now fade into the darkness and sit where I belong. By myself, alone. I always knew that people existed who are alone. People who will grow old and die with no one even knowing they are here or gone. People who are so alone that no one even attends their celebrations, their funeral, just alone. I guess I just never thought that person would be me. I never thought of myself as one of those people. I never thought I would end up going through my adult life meaning nothing to anyone. No one knowing I exist, no one caring. I wanted to go out tonite. I wanted to take someone to dinner but I have no one to go out with. I have no one that would be there as a friend. Just people who would want some free food. So i asked Dan, but he won't talk to me anymore now. I'm not good enough for him either. I'm not good enough for anyone. I will be alone forever. If I'm lucky my son will be my salvation. He will be my companion, my friend. But he may also grow up to hate me. He may grow up to hate me becuase he'll never know what it's like to have a father. He may resent me, blame me for missing out on this vital part of a boys life. I keep having this vision of being a little old lady. Maybe with 50 cats or so. Maybe just alone. I will start and end my day without a soul to talk to. Without a being to befriend me. Maybe I'll get a half hour or so from the meals on wheels person or someone else who pities me for my lonliness. If it weren't for my son I would be checking out of this life. I would throw in the towel and end this misery. Death is preferable to this perpetual state of lonliness. I would might as well not be alive, it's not like anyone would notice. Do they know what it's like to be this alone? Not to just feel alone, but to be alone. To have pain and cry, but to cry alone. To have no one to talk to but an empty compluter screen. Do any of them have a clue what it's like to be as alone as I am? There's no way. They all have companionship. They have no idea what life is like for somone like me.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:06 AM EST
Friday, 7 November 2003
I should be getting ready to sleep right now, but I wanted to write. It's so easy, in logs like this to speak pnly of the bad things. Even as poets we are more prone to write about our pain than out pleasures. Tonite was a good night. We sat around with our meager resources. We talked of educated subjects. We shared our thoughts. I just thought I should preserve the moment to look back upon when I think "everything good is gone, and everything bad is here..." I wanted to write more, but my computer was being used and now there;s nothing left but the facts. It was a good night.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 4:24 AM EST
Monday, 3 November 2003
WhAt ThE fUcK dO i Do NoW?
I have to get the fuck out of here. I can't deal anymore. I can't deal with these people anymore. I walked down and saw friend number one making out with baby's daddy number one. Well, the only one. The one who has denied us. Ugh, touche'. BUt it's different this time. And she would see it differently too. If the situation were turned as it has been but happened on her turf it would be a different story. She might have not confronted me on it, but I would have known. I would have known it bothered her. When the tables were turned I didn't want to be her friend becuase I knew how I would feel in the same situation.
I tried to be as clear as possible, but my point went unheard. It's funny, and I realize that it happens to me repeatedly. People are too fucking busy nursing the expected reaction that they don't listen to what I am fucking saying!! They have their heads too far up they goddamn asses to hear me. I don't care what the fuck she does with him, but he's the one with the problem. It's either him or me. If he hangs out down there and nothing is resolved then I will no longer hang out there at all. The house will be irrepairably divided. I know I can expect nothing as a friend from her. I have no friends, I have only aquaintances. Here at least. Probably everywhere really. My life has reached a new lonliness. I must withdraw from all and try to create a better existence. And I just can't help but think, would she have done this to Susie? No way. Therefore she is not my friend, only another aquaintance. I treat all my friends the same and if someone I have gotten to know so well after such a long point in time can't treat me as they would their best friends they are not my friend. I'll get no sleep tonite for sure!
She got mad at me for wanting to talk to her immediately. But what could I do? What would she have done?
I must withdraw. Get my vital belongings and disappear. I have wanted to disappear for a long time and that's just what I want to do now more than ever. I would move if I could. I think I will, if I can. I should look into it.
I am so insignificant. I went to a Halloween party. I ran into this girl I have seen so many times I can't even count them. I'm not interested in being her friend especially or anything but I have introduced myself to her so many times that she should at least remember who the fuck I am. But once again I called her by name and said hello. Ya know what her response was? A curt "And you are?" And to make the matter even more ephasized, when I told her my name she had absolutely no recollection of me. I really am truly insignificant. I truly don't matter to almost anyone.
I feel the need to withdraw. From even those who may care about me for the sake of my son. Of course I mean no insult to them but I feel it is more than past my time to go on my own. To forge my own way and leave this madness, this sadness, this pain behind. But how? I need a clean start and I'm just not gonna find it here. My outlets are far gone now. My places where I could have gone to hide vanished in my hesitance. And I can't help but wonder what I hestiated for? Why did I not leave? For this? FOR THIS SHIT!!!
I came down there because I was in shock. I needed a friend. I neede to take my mind off the earthquake that came along in my head after the news about my friend. Another aquaintance really, someone I barely know but one of those people that there was always something about. Something that made me take a second glance, that made me interested. Something that made him special. But life never let me get to know him any better. But I know he thinks of me once in a while somehow. I guess as I sought satisfaction in the newest occurances in my life as far as this house goes I neglected to realize why I reacted as I did. Because I found the incidence when I really needed the comfort zone which had all of a sudden become a completely uncomfortable zone.
The war is over but the death toll of US soldiers in Iraq goes up every day. My friend was almost killed. All the people around him were killed. Only him and one other person survived. I was avoiding the house all day out my embarassment for my two day bender that left me completely socially retarded and feeling rather shameful about myself. They all know I do this, I have explained it in detail my feelings after I go on a bender, my embarassment and desire to isolate myself. It's just part of who I am. There's nothing anyone can do about it. But when my friends brother, who is also my friend, well aquaintace, well whatever, told me about what had happened, he sent me the letter in Mike's words, I decided I had to go downstairs. I had to be among people I could talk to about it. MAybe get my mind off it for a while. But I walked into something completely different. That's why I shook. That's why I had to smash the pumpkins. Because someone I really care about is living their own version of some war movie and someone else I care about was making out with someone else I care about. It was too much for my fragile consciousness to handle. I had to do something.
I'm gonna send this to her I think. I'm much better in writing than I am in speaking when things like this happen. I think I won't speak. There's so much more to this than I got to explain when I spoke. It all gets jumbled when I speak. It all piles up in my brain and I reprisent myself differently. Yeah some of this may not be liked by those who may read it, but if anyone has ever done any journal writing they know that it is a stream of consciousness. It ranges in mood and emotion. Some things are permanent feelings and some dissipate after the words are released from the brain. And at this point I don't really care how I am taken. I know how I feel, and the words I have to say. The rest is irrelevant. I don't really have much to lose at this point. Lose another friend? HAHAHA!! I've lost every one I've ever had and I will lose every one I ever will have. That's just part of being Lel. But then again, Lel's don't really have friends, they have aquaintences.
Someone stole my money and now I have nothing but water to give my son to drink and I'm not sure if I will be able feed him as long as I have to go with no help. All other resources are exausted, but do you think any of my "friends" will lend me money evern though they know I will be coming into a lot of it very soon? Will any of them share their resources with me? I think not. I think J came in and stole the money. On Halloween I thought I heard someone upstairs. I thought it was a dog, but later came to the realization that the only dog in the house was sitting next to me the whole time. My dog was only in one place. He couldn't have made that much noise. I didn't go to check and now the money I had stashed away specifically to feed my son is gone. He knew where I kept my money and I never bothered to change the location. My door was unlocked since I was just downstairs. And now what am I to do? What "friend" will help me? They all just look at me and say "That Sucks"
I guess it's some kind of karmic payback. She's pissed at me because I'm pissed and I shouldn't be because of what I have done. I never realized it bothered her so much. She always played it off like she was happy about it, because I wasn't "just some dumb bitch".
She didn't understand. I didn't expect her to give me a heads up over her making out with him, but he hung out there all day. She knows how things are between me and him. She should have at least some up and told me "Hey, he's hanging out" If things were that way between she and her baby's daddy I would have at least warned her not to come to my house even if I was as brazen to play the "Well it's my house and I don't have to consider my neighbors feeings when I do something." I would not have been happy about it, as she would not have been if the tables were turned. But if I knoew she could have walked in and seen it at any point in time I would have done whatever I could to prevent her from seeing it in the house. Outside the house is different. At a party, at a bar, whatever. I can just ignore it and go on with my time. But in the place I hang out almost every day. In the place I go for solace!!
But none of this matters now. After tonite it will be gone from my head, and if it hasn't gone at least let me find new motivation to get the fuck out of here. I will no longer be a part of this house as a whole. I have realized now, a little more, my place among my friends, my place in this house, my place among society, and my place in life. And with this realization my despair grows.
"What do you think they would say, if I just STOOD up and I walked away! No one here really understands me, So I'm flyin..."
I must withdraw. I must escape this sadness, this pain. Tonite has draw the line. I know where I stand with the people around me, and I must stand in the place where i belong.
I must withdraw and create a better existence for my own sanity.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 3:24 AM EST
Sunday, 5 October 2003
EvErYbOdY's GoNe. AsSeD oUt.
A wekk of solitude this time, is what it took and I'm still not over it yet. I miss him. I sit here listening to the same old music over and over. I know that if he were here he's be enjoying it with me. I want to call him. TO go over there but I won't. I'm too proud for that. So instead I sit here looking at ghosts of the past and present sitting here stuck wondering what could have been. What I never thought would happen did. I was so picky. So many people I never even gave a chance. Necause back then I took it for granted. Someone always wanted me so I felt I had an eternity to choose. And now I am the one who is left, for all the times I left, now I am the one who is left behind. My karmic payback. And that's the way it is. Now. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be this way. I guess that's exactly what I think. That it is this way and will be this way forever. Everyone is sleeping eveyone retires to their own little worlds. Mine didn't used to be just me. And now it is and what do I do? What do I do with this much time alone? What do I do with this much time inside me head? But I know that's waht I need. I don't function well around other people. I open my mouth too much. I make an ass out of myself. I get hung up on and left high and dry. I am meant to be alone, but I guess I just never saw myself as that person. I saw people that were perpetually alone. Happy with it or not, it was theur life. Alone. I just never pictured myslef like that. I always had someone to love me. To take care of me. So when the day came when there was no one anymore. No one to love me, no one to take care of me. I never accepted it. It's like there's some thing in my head that still thinks there is someone out there taking care of me, but that time has passed. I threw it all away. and now I am left aolne. I squandered all the gifts life gave me and now there's nothing left.
Oh how much I want Justin here right now. How much I don't want to be alone. But that's all it is. I just don't want to be alone. Even though I know he was bad for me, even though i know he lies next to another girl right now. I just don't want to be alone. So I guess I'll go downstairs.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 3:12 AM EDT
Wednesday, 24 September 2003
WhAt'S iT aLl FoR?
Look at me, spewing dumb shit out about guys and bullshit like a High School girl because I cannot even bring myself to think about the REAL issues in my life. How much things suck and how they will probably only get worse. I can hope for the best but rarely do I get it. So on like this I drone. "Awwww, life is so miserable! Awwwww. poor me!!!" Why is it that it is so easy to write most anything about the pains in our lives but not as easy to write of the triumphs. So easy to carry on and on about our woes. But was I ever stationed in front of this damned machine when I was having a good day? Typing of proud achievements and fuzzy thoughts? Hardly. But when there is too much negativity, when there is so much unhappiness is my head that I feel I may explode, this keyboard is the first place I go. Not to my friends downstairs or my distant companions on IM though we are so close for being so far away. No, I come here. Where who knows who will see it in the infinite anonymity of the world wide web. I guess it doesn't really matter then. People are so easy to open up when they have no faces. When you cannot feel their souls.
It was a pitiful night for me. I realized what a mockery I have of a life. It's like a pretend life. I have this guy who seems like a boyfriend but he's not really. I have all these nice things but I have no way of paying my rent right now so I am very close to losing it all. I seem happy and fine while day by day I feel like I die a little more. It's all very ridiculous really.
But at least I have my son. My son who is my prode and joy, the apple of my eye. The only guy I need in my life. He who gives me infinite love, who misses me when I'm gone. Who hates to even see me leave. He who smiles at me every morning and gives me adoring looks as I lay him down to bed. I feel confident that I am a good mother and that I am doing resonably well with him. MOtherhood wears on me when I'm all alone. But I feel I am giving him a head starts on learning and that I am doing a million times better with discipline. I don't lose my temper as much. I guess I have found a certain kind of peace. I know now that I am on my own in this thing and that I can expect to be stressed out. I have accepted that all other affairs are idiotic since all men that are attracted to me seem to be liars, cheaters, or have one or more of many other severe flaws. Maybe controlling behavior, maybe addiction. In most instances some form of blatant disrespect. I have come to terms of the idea that I will be very poor for a very long time, and that I have an impossible road ahead of me. I have realized it and made peace with it. I always hoped for some help. Some knight in shining armour, or some really great friend I could really depend on to help get me through. But I never seem to find those things.
There's a big birthday party coming up soon. Two of my "brothers" and I can't go. It's at the house of Mr. B and I'm not allowed there. Antway I don't think I would want to go anyway. I ran into him by chance yesterday and I realized with stark boldness that he has become one of those few people that cause an actual physical response in me. I like to call it the heebie-jeebies but in this case it was an all out feeling of panic. I'm really bummed but what can I do? That just goes to show how good of friends I have when the rest of them planned the party knowing I would be excluded. That just sux.
So once again the dark clouds loom. I can feel the storm behind my brain. But I don't know what to do for with all the energy. Should I dig up the bones of the past? Or should I start towards a new future, alone again? Or do I settle for what I've got because it's the only thing I can find to suit my most primal needs? What do I do? I have to decide soon. What about the things I said earlier? Have they had time to settle and nest producing a response? If so what response will it be? What shall I do to respond to any of it? Should I sit in quiet reseve? Or shall I erupt like a volcano of ill manner and disrespect as I did earlier? Or shall I just ignore the whole thig alltogether in one big shining display of what the human mind can really so in the ways of denial? I think I will not know the answer to this until the very minute and perhaps not even then!!
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 11:25 PM EDT
Friday, 19 September 2003
It AlL bEcOmEs ClEaR aGaIn...
I was fooling myself. I thought this guy whowas staying with me, who was living with me thought I was special. I thought he actually liked me. I put past his words and went on his actions, I thought I knew the best. But apparently I don't know the best for myself anymore. Sister Fate has abandoned me. He told me to go on his actions not his words. I did and tonite his actions turned me away with such a cold shoulder that I have notknown since the father of my child. The name I cannnot even mention. I have been through this before, s many time before!! Why do I not ever learn!!?? I knew he didn;t want a relatrionship but shoud that mean that I should watch him try to take othet prospects for the night in front of me?? I don;t think so!! That;s just disrespect. Maytbe I'm just reatardede, but I know I can do better
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 3:15 AM EDT
Sunday, 7 September 2003
ToO mUcH, yEt NoThInG...
There is so much in my brain, yet there is nothing. I want to be so many places that aren't here, doing so many things that aren't this. I am unhappy, but I don't know why. I have what I thought would complete me, but it's still not enough. I know my true self and who she wants to be, but something always stops her, inside or out. There's this Lel inside my head, but the controlling and disciplined way of my upbringing have stifled the true Lel. I could be so much more, so much more of a person, so much more happy, if I was my true self. But really I don't know who that person is. I have been so many people and pretended to be so many people. I still pretend. I don't know who I am anymore so I just pretetnd. Like when someone talks to you and you can't understand them. Maybe they are from another country, or maybe they are just too drunk, but you nod and smile and make pretend that you follow the convesation, that you know what is going on. But deep dpwn inside you don't. You have no idea what this person is trying to say to you. That's how I feel> Whatever, I'm lost. All I can say, is that, and, always remeber Lel....
"I can forgive my injuries in the name of wisdom"
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 4:38 AM EDT
Friday, 5 September 2003
I wAsN't DoNe YeT
I posted and I wasn't done yet. Someone had to use the phone. And I wasn't done yet. But I typed a bunch of shit and I lost it. Much like I do when I type here. For some reason it all gets wiped out. I press a button or something and everything I just said, all my pouring my heart out to this empty machine is just gone. it's so much easier to pour my heart out to this empty machine than it is to pour my heart out to a person, to actual flesh and blood. People never want to listen. My "best freind" never listens to me. I try to say what I have to but the only response I get is "I,I,I,me,me,me" It's just like with my last "best friend" I should have learned that time. Real love, real soulmates, real friends, don't exist. All we are is alone in this life. We may think we've found this great companion in this life, but we're always just alone. We are alone our whole lives and we'll always be alone no matter what we try to make ourselves believe. Religion, love, friendship, it's all just an illusion. We are always alone. Our concsiousness is only our own. And no matter what we think we've found in this life, we have found nothing. We live and die alone.
Posted by thewonderlandpress
at 1:56 AM EDT
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