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tHe VoIcEs InSiDe My HeAd

Friday, 11 June 2004

ThE iNeViTaBlE hAnD oF dEaTh
We are inundated here in the US of the death of a former president. Probably the best one we've had in my lifetime. But a long illness and 93 years in this life he is gone. And we watch on the flickering screen the celebration of his life and the peace of his death and how he can finally rest now. We see he formalities of the ceremonies, but through it all we see slight glimpses of his family. Sad in saying goodbye but peaceful in the fact that he suffers no longer. Of course it makes me think of my slight obsession with death. With the finality of it all, with the ceremonies that follow us after our souls have left out earthly bodies. Many people turn to God, religion to make sense ofthe end of life. But no matter who we are and what we believe in everyone ends the same. Even the people who were the strongest in life. The soldiers both officially and those who just fight through the day to day life, we all are the same in the end. Wide eyed children who know not what is before us, only to be lead. Perhaps by angels, perhaps be demons, perhaps by those who have loved us and in our lifetimes have moved on before us. Each has his own life after death dictated by one's own beliefs and experiences. But none of us knows what the life after death holds, or if there is any life after death. Perhaps it's all make believe to make us beleive we and our loved ones will find peace. But whatever, we are all to see the same fate. Whether at 3 or 93 we will all see the same end of this existence in this world.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 10:33 PM EDT

Thursday, 22 April 2004

Will I ever sleep? What is wrong with me. I just cannot seem to get into the swing of things today. I feel like I have to puke from lack of sleep. But at the same time, for some reason I am jumping out of my skin. Why is this happeneing? Will I sleep at all? What is wrong with me? I guess for some reason today I feel as if, if I sleep I may cease to exist. I dunno. I guess I am being ridiculous now. Lack of sleep. But it is so unlike me to not sleep like this. I can't help but wonder what is causing it. I guess it will be revealed in time. I just hope it's not a bad reason that I am still awake sitting here. But I know my life too well, so it's very likely. I positively do not feel like myself. I feel as if I have jumped out of my skin. Something...something is just not right.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 10:28 AM EDT

GrIm DeAtH
I look upon my life, and wonder what would become of my legacy if I were to die. What have I really accomplished in this life? The sadest song plays for us. And I think of how i have no desire to go on. I feel abd for my little boy. He deserves a mother who wants to live, not one who has just given up. Why did I not sleep? Why am I still awake at this insane hour hearing the little one playing in his crib? Have I really lost it? I cannot even think anymore. I sent letters, I sent pictures and still no word. The only love i had I have lost. And my life will be loney forever because of it. My cursed self will walk to the ends of the arth alone always. And I will always wonder how this became my fate.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 8:35 AM EDT

I watch this movie, over and over. Romeo and Juliette. I think of when I first saw it. Such love I had in my life. Where is the love that life promised me? The one thing I always thought, I would never be lacking, in the love and companionship I so lonely seek. Tonite I did not sleep. Though my son will wake up any minute and this day will be hell. Something, anything has to change now or I will no longer be able to exist with such lifelong injustice. They say that life just is not fair and I know more than most how unfair life can be. I never fathomed that I would be so alone. I wrote letters to my love, sent him pictures and still no word. I know as I have known for over a year now, he is gone. Forever gone. I once posessed a love so sweet that none could damage the stongest bond we had. But time, oh time in it's evergoing cycle has taken it from me as I took it from myself. Life is so strange these days. I feel my lonliness is about to end. That all I seek is right around the corner. But yet I never reach it. I feel the answer to it all is right on the horizon yet I am blinded by the garish sun and cannot see it for it's clarity. And so my torure goes on. I have never in my life stood so alone, for so long. Longing to not be alone. Fleeting physicality keeps me from being so sad that my heart lies too heavy. But when it is over I am more lonely than before. Everything just is not right. And I can not figure out what is wrong exactly or how to fix it. Where did I become so cursed? When did lonliness become my fate. I had a vision of my love the other night. Of him with a family and all the love he ever wanted from me. All in place and succeeding. Me just an annoying memory who keeps trying. I keep trying no matter what. He had a different goal at the time of our life together and I could not face it. Now that life that was so different from anything I wanted sounds life sweet peace to me. ut now I have one thing. ONe responsibility, one obligation. One love of family that is the only thing that keeps me living and breathing every day. And I will go on for him as long as he will love me. but I will always wonder what happened to the love that life always promised me? Why has sister fate turned her back on me and I no longer hear her guiding voice as I aways have? I thought and hoped all for the best. I never intended for life to be this way. I thought it was the qay things were supposed to be, but I refuse to belive that this life of solitude and lonliness is my fate. I was destined for more than this I thought. Is the doting mother my only role in this life? Have I gone through all these hardships and all this hell just to end up here? It hardly seems worth it. Oh do I doun unrateful? I know I have many gifts. At least one in my only son. But he will grow to hate me one day. I know it. Even he is only temporary though he will stay around more lengthy than most. After all he has no choice but to love me for now. But what will become of this bond when he is old enough to know better? When he is old enough to resent me for who he is and what he lwill forever lack in his life? What then? Will he resent me, and take distance just as I have done with my own family? Or will our bond remain the same? Set in love as it is today? I will always remember these days of affection and love from my little boy for who knows where things will stand as he gets older. My life is not happy and has not been for a long long time, but I would gladly give up happiness of any kind if it meant my son would love me forever as he does today.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 8:25 AM EDT

Thursday, 8 April 2004

I nEvEr ClAiMeD i WaSn'T aN aSsHoLe...
OK Point taken. I'm sorry. I said some harsh shit. I never claimed I wasn't an asshole. But I can admit that my asshole qualities this time come from ignorance. Like a judgemental child I share the beginnnings of my thoughts trying to find the endings. SOmetimes, though not very often I depend on my friends to help me understand. But not this time. I got cut off at the pass. Everyone blew me off. It's ok I said. I need to talk about it someday, maybe then I'll find a friend.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 3:53 AM EDT

Monday, 5 April 2004

I oNlY cOmE hErE wHeN i'M sAd
It seems like this is the garbage dump of my brain. Do I ever come here when I a, soaring on the wings of happiness? No only when i am at my lowest and feeling like I might just do...something. I guess it's the poet's curse. So much easier to express those darke feelings that anything else. Why have feelings when you can just get mad? Tonite is one of those nights. I feel alienated, facing a relaity I can't bear to face. "I'm not here... this isn't happening..."

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 1:25 AM EDT

Friday, 19 March 2004

So here I am. I'm trying to figure some shit out in my head and when I look for someone to listen to me, someone to care, there's no one. The new guy sharing my bed doesn't care. The old guy who did share my bed doesn't care. No matter what, when I need someone to talk to and someone to care about me there's no one there. He said he's coming to sleep next to me but I know he isn;t. Just like the other one. What happened to the people who cared about me? I passed them all away looking for something better. And this is where it got me. I have never been so alone in my life as I have been in the past four years. I never thought I would be so alone. I always thought that someone would be there. That someone would care. And now here I am giving all my most important thoughts to a goddamn computer because there's just no one left. I have fucked my life up beyond my own beleif. And I just don't know what to do with my lonliness. Does anyone out there even know how I feel??

The Invisibe Girl

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 1:32 AM EST

Wednesday, 10 March 2004

ThErE's MoRe ThAn LiFe ThAn SeX
So yeah, the one who I have oined over for so long passed me by for one of my friends. Is life just a big re-run? When can I change the channel? And then this other guy, he wants to fuck me but nothing more. Don't I deserve more than this?? Where is the poetry life promised me? Is this all there is? Is my life really doomed to those who just want a cheap fuck?? I guess not becuase thats all I get!! FUCK IT ALL IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 1:19 AM EST

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

Well, here I am again, stuck on the outside of life. No one likes me anymore, I guess they all think I'm some kind of wacko. The only one that really matters acts like my presence is sheer annoyance to his world. I fucked up again and now I am paying the price. I have to make the worst decision ever. The decision to separate myself again. I thought life was getting better but it took a turn and now it's just worse. I guess I did this to myself. And this is what I get.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 6:32 PM EST

Friday, 27 February 2004

They've got me on meds, and I am sick. But I take care of everone so who;s there to take care of me? When I am falling who's there to catch me? No one. But I don't hate anyone, I just hate life. No one did this to me. Life did this. My love is gone. I just wish he beleieved in me. I bled today...for the first time in a long long time. Right now al I want ot do is talk to Troy. I'm one sikk fukker.

Posted by thewonderlandpress at 5:29 AM EST

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